Learning To Say No: Tips For Parents With An Addicted Child On Caretaking Vs. Caregiving

How do you know when you are care taking someone or just giving care? This is the most asked question in the family dynamics of a family dealing with an addicted member. I am going to address this topic from the perspective of a parent with a child who has an addiction.

Learning how to say no or not care too much that one looses their own identity is a difficult task for parents dealing with a child who is manipulating them into setting up situations where they can use again.

A place for a parent to look at the answer for this is within them. They have to check their own motives. Easier said than done but definitely a necessary step to stop doing what you have always done and got the same results. It is said that doing the before mentioned action is that definition for INSANITY.

So what would be a motive? It could be that a parent wants to be liked or wants to feel good about them. Keep in mind that the recovery process is a family affair and the designated patient or the alcoholic/addict is only one part to the puzzle. Yes, an awareness of parents motives becomes crucial in the dynamics of change for the entire family.

I can recall a father of a family I worked with said the reason he could not say no to his child was because he felt guilty for all the time that was lost due to his own drug behaviors and this was a way for him to feel good.

I always tell a family like this that the first step in the change process is to acknowledge this misplaced motive and then change can happen. It is said that you cannot get out of a hole if you dont know you have fallen into one. That stops the blame and shame on the parent. Recovery is not continuing blaming but being in the solution and care giving involves being conscious and making decisions that support whats best for all involved.

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